Image Credit: Moyan_Brenn



Games and the Rain

Perhaps because I grew up in the parched atmosphere of Los Angeles, from an early age I came to love rainy days: the refracted glow of streetlights; the way things felt extra warm when you were inside and gazing out into the dampness; the sound of droplets pelting impervious surfaces, a cacophony that enveloped you, contained and focused your thoughts, turned hot chocolate into a sacred drink.

In my parent’s old house we had a little TV connected to a Nintendo.  I would sit on the carpet, a couch to my left, and a glass door leading to a balcony on the right, and play Super Mario Brothers or Sonic the Hedgehog.  But what I savored more than anything were those rare days when I didn’t have school AND it was raining.  On those days I could lean back and see the glow of the screen in the window, make out the clouds drifting across the sky, and hear the sounds of the game muffled by the sound of the storm.

On my cross-country bike trip

20 years ago I was on the cusp of turning 10, and I remember virtually nothing about that; 10 years ago I was months away from turning 20, and I was too self-absorbed to contemplate the future; and now I am 29 and may be too absorbed in the day-to-day to really remember what I was like and who I was in the past two decades.  What’s got me thinking about that un-medicated, chaotic and doubt-riddled person is a book I just finished titled Living With a Wild God: A Nonbeliever’s Search for the Truth about Everything, by Barbara Ehrenreich.  In the book, Ms. Ehrenreich uses the journal she kept during her teenage years as a springboard from which to revisit the doubts and dreams she had during that tumultuous time.

As soon as I finished reading—just hours after I began—I decided to look back through my own journal…hundreds of pages of frantic writing covering the years 2002 – 2005, when I was 18-21.  Before I delve into this, let me just review some facts about me during that time.  First, I was around 7 years from finally being diagnosed as, and treated for, mild bipolar disorder; as a result, I found myself jostling back and forth from unbearable bliss to the kind of depression that slows your synapses to a crawl.  Second, I kept this journal while I was an undergraduate at California State University Northridge (CSUN,) meaning that for a time I was living at my parent’s house in Tarzana, CA., and for a year I lived in Granada, Spain (studying abroad), and for several months I rode across the United States on my bicycle and then fought to intergrate that experience in whatever came next.  Third, I spent much of my time reading about Buddhism and philosophy; delving into the works of Romantic poets; and contemplating the nature of my existence and the meaning of it all.  And finally, I was a colossal pain-in-the-ass: self-righteous, pompous, filled with illusions of grandeur, judgmental, and so on.

The Pizza That Triggered a Memory

I am seated in a pizza parlor in downtown Chicago, passing the time until my 8 PM flight back to Providence.  The book I’m reading is called ‘American Gods,’ by Neil Gaiman.  Reading makes me want to write, and so I think about the book I should be working on.  Suddenly, a scent handcuffs itself to my neurons and is taken to a memory: I am standing before a lemon tree at my parent’s house, my grandmother next to me.  Baba’s expression is frozen.  I don’t see her, but rather a photograph of her; somehow the scent of lemon and childhood, however, is dynamic, alive.  Now I am holding a rolling pin, helping Baba make Peroshki.  Standing on my tippy-toes, my sight is filled with dough, flour…ingredients on their way to becoming food.  I haven’t thought about my grandmother much since she passed away nearly a year ago.  She was a difficult person and in her last years had lost her eyesight and much of her memory.  Yet a tenderness stabs at me like the knife that splits open an onion, releases its piquant odor.  Life is precious, cyclical, unique, linear, savage, brief, endless.  She is a part of me and I of her.  Just yesterday I could barely reach the table upon which we cooked.  Today I tower over my food.  Today my heart reaches for the slippery hands of greatness.  Tomorrow, whenever tomorrow comes, I will immortalize myself in ice: everything that comprises me will drip, drip, drip until I mix and mingle with everything that comprises the universe, until enough time passes that I re-discover myself among the detritus of the world and laugh at the glorious absurdity of it all.